Grateful

It's hard for me to trust anyone but myself. I barely trust anyone to watch my kids, fold the laundry correctly, put the dishes away in the way I organized them... you get the point, I have trust issues. So, when it came to the point that all signs lead to the need for me to quit my part-time job - unreliable babysitters, hours being cut, and my husband's job doing well enough to support us. Even though I mostly enjoyed working and having someone over 3 to talk to, I felt the strain it was having on my family and hated when my son would cry when I left him with a "stranger".

But it was hard for me to let go. To let go of my independence, my contribution to our finances, and my feeling of security. For me to give up my job, I would have to put my trust in someone else, namely my husband, and above all, in God.

At one point I had to make the big decision to apply for the job, the first real one I would have since I had my son, 2 1/2 years. This time I had to put trust in myself, and I did good! I was a valued employee, I felt good about myself. It was the boost of self-confidence that I needed to get out of the rut of depression that being home with the kids 24/7 causes. Now that I'm going back to being a full-time stay at home mom, I'm scared of falling back into this dark place.

But this time I have a plan. I'm going to try to go out more, even though taking the kids out involves the embarrassment of their tantrums and out of control behavior. I'm also going to try and make new friends. Baby steps....

The sun is shining today for the first time after this long winter, and it feels good . As I was driving home, the sun shining on the dashboard and the temperature high enough to crack open a window, I felt grateful, something I haven't felt in a long time. Grateful for my crazy kids screaming in the back seat, grateful for bumpy and pot-holed road home, grateful for the tiny home we have so many plans for, and grateful for my husband who is willing to work hard to support us. I don't know what the road ahead has in store for me, no one ever does, but I'm looking forward to the future with a positive and grateful heart.