Letter to my son on his first day of kindergarten

To my Son on his first day of kindergarten:

Son, you are my first born. You taught me what motherhood is. You taught me what love and sacrifice are. You showed me everything I live by today. For the past 6 years you have been my life. You, and your 3 yr old brother. I've dedicated everything to you guys. I've glowed at all the compliments people have given me based off your greatness. You are amazing. You are perfect. You are loving, kind, innocent, polite and pretty much just awesome.

Today I took you for your very first day of school. Today I sat at home with your little brother pacing in circles trying not to lose it. For 7 hours my heart longed for you. For 7 hours I wished you were there. For 7 hours I wondered what you were doing. Everything at home reminded me of you. The house was so quiet. I missed you so much.

When I picked you up, your smile melted my heart. Your hug was so tight and your love of school was so real. I was happy to see your enthusiasm, but also sad to see you finding that greatness away from mommy.

It felt as if my heart was ripped out. And I only hoped it'd still be beating when it returned to me. I only hoped yours didn't beat too differently. I wish I could explain how my heart beat differently. How it raced and my eyes swelled as I longed for my "baby". I knew you were safe. I knew you were happy. But I couldn't fathom you being somewhere else when I've told you "I'll always be right here for you". I couldn't fathom you taking care of yourself in a new world. That's my job! That's what I've done since the second you were born into your new world...

Everyone told me it would be nice to only have 1 child to care for instead of 2. Everyone said it would be a break. Everyone was wrong.

I stared at your hot wheels cars that you set up so meticulously every day...and cried when they just sat there in a pile on the floor for me to step on. I stared around the house at all toys you normally play with...they didn't move. I opened the fridge to get your little brother lunch and noticed that the Capri-suns were all still there...when normally you are a Capri-sun fiend. Everything seemed to pause. It seemed like everything stopped happening.

As much as school is a new experience for you, it is also new to me. My whole schedule has changed. My normalcy is gone. As I struggle to get used to it, I still cry over the thought that this is all happening because I don't have you here with me. I miss you babes. For 6 years I've based my life off of everything you showed me, from the second you were born. I changed everything I live by based off of you. And in 1 day, you left for school and suddenly I faced change again. Your teachers may love you, but I know no one else could love you as much as I do. I know I would do ANYTHING in the world for you.

So here I sit. Here I wait. Here I wonder. I miss you. I'm so proud of you, but I really do feel like my heart was ripped out and hope that soon it will start beating normally again. What kills me most is the thought of you being farther from my love for you. I didn't want you to be distant from that. Perhaps I'm selfish, perhaps I’m scared but one thing is for sure, I love you.